1. Listen
This is probably one of the most underappreciated social skills. People are often centred on themselves. Nothing surprising really, but it doesn’t mean that they are selfish jerks either. But because of this a lot of people are just used to talking about themselves or waiting for the other person to finish so they can start talking again. I know I have done this many times and still do from time to time.“Nature gave us one tongue and two ears so we could hear twice as much as we speak.”
Epictetus“The less you speak, the more you will hear.”
Alexander Solshenitsen“I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.”
Ernest Hemingway
2. Actually be interested in the other person.
“You can make more friends in two months by becoming really interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. Which is just another way of saying that the way to make a friend is to be one.”
Dale Carnegie“The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when someone asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer.”
Henry David Thoreau
If you become more interested in people then you’ll naturally become a better listener since you are actually interested in what’s on their minds. And it beomes easier find out what someone is really passionate about and to dispel negative assumptions that can mess up the communication.
If you listen to what someone has to say then you may find that s/he for instance isn’t as boring or different from you as you may have guessed when you were first introduced.
3. Don’t listen too much to criticism.
“If evil be said of thee, and if it be true, correct thyself; if it be a lie, laugh at it.”
Epictetus“When we judge or criticize another person, it says nothing about that person; it merely says something about our own need to be critical.”
Unknown
Well, Epictetus got this one down. Listen to criticism. If you feel that there is some relevance to it explore how you can change yourself. But also recognize that lot of the time criticism is mostly about the other person.
Maybe s/he has had a bad day. Maybe a pet or child is sick. Maybe s/he is jealous of you or angry at someone else. Since people often are centred on themselves it’s easy to make a mistake here. Someone may criticise you but is actually focused on something in their own life. And you are probably also focused on yourself. And therefore you draw the conclusion that the criticism must have something to do with you.
4. Don’t babble on and on.
“The less people speak of their greatness, the more we think of it.”
Sir Francis Bacon“The more you say, the less people remember.”
François Fénelon
This one’s connected to listening. If you talk and talk there will be little time, energy or focus for listening. But if you start to focus outward then your mind will become more focused and you’ll spend less time babbling for too long about something.
5. Treat others as you would like them to treat you.
“The people with whom you work reflect your own attitude. If you are suspicious, unfriendly and condescending, you will find these unlovely traits echoed all about you. But if you are on your best behaviour, you will bring out the best in the persons with whom you are going to spend most of your working hours.”
Beatrice Vincent“It’s so easy to laugh, it’s so easy to hate. It takes guts to be gentle and kind.”
Morrissey
The Law of Reciprocity is strong in humans. As you treat someone else s/he will feel like treating you. Maybe not today or tomorrow. But over time these things have a way of evening out.
One of the most important things in relationships and conversations is your attitude. It determines a lot about your interactions and how you treat other people.
The attitude you have, the lens you hold up and view the world through determines what you see. And the thoughts you keep in your mind control how you feel. Your thoughts and feelings direct how you say something and what your hands, eyes, posture etc. says through body language.
6. Keep a positive attitude.
“I am convinced that attitude is the key to success or failure in almost any of life’s endeavors. Your attitude – your perspective, your outlook, how you feel about yourself, how you feel about other people – determines you priorities, your actions, your values. Your attitude determines how you interact with other people and how you interact with yourself.”Carolyn Warner“Two men look out the same prison bars; one sees mud and the other stars.”
Frederick Langbridge“Constant kindness can accomplish much. As the sun makes ice melt, kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust and hostility to evaporate.”
Albert Schweitzer
If your attitude is so important then what can you do about it? One good tip, that has worked for very long, is simply to keep a positive attitude. And by that I don’t mean that you should just react in a positive way to events in your life that may be seen by society as positive. For instance, getting a raise in salary, an A on an exam or winning a competition.
7. Use silence.
“A good word is an easy obligation; but not to speak ill requires only our silence; which costs us nothing.”
John Tillotson“Be silent, or say something better than silence.”
Pythagoras“It’s good to shut up sometimes.”
Marcel Marceau
There are several good reasons to learn to be more silent. It will help you to develop your listening skills. And instead of saying something you wish you didn’t you can learn to keep your piehole closed. This can help you avoid unnecessary arguments and reduce the hurt you do unto others by, for example, criticising.
Sitting in silence day in and day out while your inner pressure builds up is of course not good. Then you may need speak up, take charge and change whatever it is in your environment that causes the problem. But often a great deal of negative things can be avoided just by calmly staying silent.
8. Communicate with more than your words.
“They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.”
Carl W. Buechner“I speak two languages, English and Body.”
Mae West“We often refuse to accept an idea merely because the tone of voice in which it has been expressed is unsympathetic to us.”
Friedrich Nietzsche
The words you use are just a small part of communication. How you use your tone of voice and your body language is over 90 percent of what you are communicating.
To become a better communicator these two areas are ridiculously important. You can for instance improve how you say something by loading your words with more emotions. If you use tip # 6 – Keep a positive attitude – this often improves kinda automatically. You’ll naturally convey more enthusiasm and positive emotions through your voice.
Your attitude, as mentioned before, also has big impact on your body language. If you feel relaxed, open and positive this comes through in how you use your body.
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